I am a Bisexual Male

I am a bisexual male. There.  I've said it.
I have to admit, I spent most of my life like so many others, putting down (and looking down on) homosexuals and others who did not fit into the "normal" model of heterosexual behavior. But I was a victim of my upbringing, my father constantly making it clear that he considered homosexuals to be beneath contempt; and when I married at 21, my new wife effortlessly took the reigns from my father, as she was also a dyed-in-the-wool homophobe.  And to be honest, I really had no idea where I stood at that time.  I somehow believed that sexual attraction was a "binary", that people were either attracted to women or to men, that there was no gray area.  And I knew that I was attracted to women, their softness, their curves, their beauty! If sexual attraction was a binary, there was no doubt that I was heterosexual!
So I went through the first 45 years or so of my life considering myself heterosexual, yet battling with strange internal feeling that didn't fit the normal heterosexual model.  Almost from the beginning, with my new bride, I had strange fantasies about wanting to share her with other men... as much as I loved seeing her lovely nude body myself, seeing it, touching it, literally getting inside it, it wasn't enough: I wanted desperately to watch other men do the same with her.  I knew I wasn't the only man who had this sort of fantasy about their wives, as it is a common theme in porn. But it still confused me: I had this lovely young woman who wanted only to share herself with me, so who would I want her to share herself with others?
While I did not understand this feeling, it persisted. At first, I was too embarrassed to share this fantasy with my new bride. But before long, I did share it with her, and she was quite aroused at hearing it... though she thought of it as only a fantasy, and we would play-act such scenarios.  She would have some of her most intense orgasms over the years while we were both pretending that the cock inside her was not my own!  But it took several more years before I worked up the courage to tell her that I wanted it to be more than a fantasy, that I really wanted her to have sex with other men.  And when  I did, she questioned it: why would I want that, didn't I love her any more?  Since I didn't yet understand the true answer to that question, I gave her the best answer I had come up with myself: that I wanted to enjoy her sexuality in every way possible, and that included "as an observer".  And while it took a while for me to convince her it was what I truly wanted, she never did fully understand it.  And, not understanding it (any more than I did), she was completely unwilling to try it, for fear of what it would do to US.
So for years I just continued the fantasy, and she mostly humored the fantasy, willingly continuing the play-acting that I was any of various other men... sometimes celebrities, but mostly men she worked with or those we knew in our personal life.  I liked using real men we knew, because I was still hoping it might come true one day, and once-in-a-while I would try pushing a little harder to make it happen.
But in spite of my efforts, it never did happen.  When I was in my mid-40s's, I started to ask my wife if she had any interest in anal sex, because I was curious about how it would feel to be inside a different part of her body... and frankly, as I was seeking more variety as a substitute for my true desire.  She was interested, but when we tried she couldn't take it.  She suggested I research anal techniques, because she wanted to satisfy my curiosity -- and I'm sure she wanted it for herself too. But in the process of searching for this information, I stumbled onto an online community where open, frank discussions about sexual topics were commonplace (sadly, the website is now defunct). I found many answers to our questions about anal sex, but I found much more. I found information about other kinds of sexual activities, and was utterly fascinated by some of them, especially those involving two (or more) men and one woman.  Soon, I was sharing very graphic online "affairs" with other men and their wives or girlfriends, and they would describe in graphic detail how it would feel to share the same woman, to have one of our cocks in her vagina,the other in her ass, and we would feel each other through the thin membrane of her body that separated us.  Or sometime we would both be in her vagina, with our cocks in direct contact.  This opened up floodgates for me, because not only did I want to have cock-to-cock contact inside a woman, but I realized that I suddenly had a burning desire to perform oral sex on a man, to feel suck a cock, to give pleasure with my mouth, lips and tongue, to bring a man to orgasm and taste his cum!  This was the first time in my life, at about the age of 45, that I realized consciously that I might not be heterosexual.
It took a few more years to fully come to grips with my newly-discovered sexuality.  It wasn't easy, because of my upbringing and brainwashing.  A big part of what got me through this period was that I got in to see a psychologist who specialized in sexual disorders.  My wife thought I was a sex addict, so she chose the psychologist for me, a female one because I had always communicated better with women. But what this psychologist made me realize, after more than two years of seeing her, is that I was NOT a sex addict, but that I was a bisexual, that I had an innate need to share sexual activities with both (or all) genders, and that I was ready to explore. The only question remaining is if I would (or could) do these thing I had fantasized about in real-life, or if somehow the reality would not live up to the fantasy.  I decided that one step in the process of answering this question might be to observe such behavior first-hand. I discovered that there was a recurring sex party not far from where we lived that was predominantly for bisexual men and the women who liked them (as well as t-gurls).  So I nervously contacted the party hostess and asked if I could come to the party, purely as an observer. She said "yes", and the choice was made: the following Tuesday I drove to this party, extremely nervous, having no idea what to expect. I actually had visions of Satan himself presiding over a twisting, writhing mass of naked bodies!  Imagine my surprise when I arrived at the party location, a very ordinary house, and was greeted by one of the party hostesses, a short, heavy-set woman with long, blonde hair, who greeted me with a big smile.  She guided me through the house to give me the tour, introducing me to some of the party guests, most of whom were naked or nearly-naked. About 2/3 were men, and about half of the rest being women, and the remainder being t-gurls...something I had never before seen in real life, men dressed ... some of them very convincingly ... as women.  In the first bedroom she brought me to, there was a woman and a t-gurl performing oral sex together on one lucky guy!  In another room, there was a mix of men and t-gurls performing oral sex on each other. And in the last room she took me to, I saw it!  The fantasy I had always wanted with my own wife, for over 25 years... two men with one woman, naked and fucking!  This beautiful, somewhat heavy woman was sandwiched between two men, who appeared to be thrusting their cocks inside her! As I stood there, my mouth must have been hanging open as I was dumbstruck by the display before me!  Then the woman in the middle of the sandwich, in spite of having two cocks to occupy her attention, looked directly in my eyes, said "Hi", immediately followed by "You're wearing too many clothes!"
And that is how, inspite of my intentions to "only observe", I did in fact begin to fully explore my bisexuality that day.  By the time I did get my clothes off (I had been the only one at the party still fully clothed), The lovely young woman had finished her threesome, and came over to me, still fully naked and with a lovely smile on her face, and gave me a big hug!  She said "I need a drink", and led me out to the kitchen where there were snacks and beverages. We chatted for almost an hour, and I got to know her as well as several other party-goers.  And they were just regular people, from various walks of life. If you had seen any of them on the street, in normal clothes, you would never in a million years guess that they went to a sex party!  It was incredible!  And eye opening.  And during that party, I sucked a cock (besides my own) for the first time in my life... and I liked it!  I ended up sucking several.  And I even had one achieve orgasm in my mouth, and I savored the taste of his cum as I swallowed it!  In addition, in the midst of this frenzy of sexual activity, I had a threesome with the woman with the lovely smile and one one the men whose cock I had sucked. We attempted to do a double vaginal, with me on my back, the woman on top of me, cowgirl-style, and other man then entering on top.  Though he never got his cock fully inside her alongside mine, it felt good trying!
So I was now certain: I was bisexual!  And I was absolutely certain my wife would be unable to accept this.  And I suddenly realized that having lost myself in the moment, I had cheated on my wife... had sex with someone besides her for the first time in my life.  I had lost my virginity to her (and hers to me) more than 30 years earlier, and had never had sexual contact with anyone else in all those years.  I was confused, and had no idea what to do.  My psychologist helped me resist the temptation to confess everything to my wife immediately.  But I couldn't help myself... I had to go back to that party the following month again. I knew, at this point, that my marriage was over.  I was hoping to find a way to break it off without telling her everything, but I couldn't.  When I finally told her, about 5 months after the first party, that I was bisexual, she immediately asked me if I had had sex with anyone else, and I had no response but the truth. So I told her.  To her credit, she didn't ask for a divorce at that moment.  She gave a few days of consideration, with several discussions... some of them angry, with one even ending with her striking me... but the end result is that we did divorce.  And while I was saddened about losing this lifelong relationship, I knew it was the right thing for me, for us.  My repressed feeling had been making me miserable (even suicidal) for over a decade, and she hadn't been truly happy in a very long time either. So we went our separate ways (thankfully, our children were adults by this time), and I was able to pursue my ew lifestyle, as she attempted to rebuild her life.  I do feel sorrow that I caused her pain, but I am really not to blame.  Well, I take the blame for my specific actions, of course, but not for the underlying issue.  I am what I am, and as the song says, I was "born this way".